There is something I have always loved about midnight. Weirdly enough I find it the quietest time in my day where I reflect. I love evenings like tonight where I can hear the rain falling. I’ve been enjoying more time alone than I usually do and mostly because the last month of my life has been a lot to swallow. I never truly swallowed what was happening. It all happened within weeks and it came and all the sudden was gone. I am so incredibly happy it was gone so fast, but it is something I now greatly fear. I fear death, the idea of life being taken away from me. I know there is life after death, I fully believe this is just a piece of my life, but I also know that my life here on Earth is just beginning.
The sun was shining today at work on my back for only a half an hour and I started to panic. I was wearing sunscreen on my face but no where else. I did not realize it was going to be sunny and even though it’s spring, the sun still scares me. Who would have ever thought a sun worshiper would be scared of the sun? I love those hot summer days where you lay outside all day on the beach and just enjoy it with friends. I’m afraid that my experience with Melanoma has left me feeling like I will never get to feel that again. I know it’s hard to understand when you aren’t going through it, but fear gets in the way of so many things. I know we can all think of something we fear In life, and even though some of our fears are so far out there, we still let the fear get the best of us. I talk to a lot of people with panic disorder and what is it caused from? Fear…fear of feeling the panic and fear of feeling like you can’t control the feeling of not catching your breath. I chose through all of my fearful thinking the last couple weeks about the sun that we are all meant to have a little. I want to live and enjoy the sun. By no means will I lay in it with baby oil on or ever touch a tanning bed as I’m sure we all know by now..but what I will do is still swim at the lake and still enjoy kayaking. If you live your life in fear, you are not truly living. Listen to what you are telling yourself and understand that fear comes from what you tell yourself. I know that I will not let Melanoma take over my life, but rather be a lesson to simply wear sunscreen and watch how much sun I get everyday. I am going to start this week off with letting go of my fears and realizing that fear is a waste of time.We do not know what the future holds, so why stress about it?